I Don't Want to Go

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”
Genesis 28:15

I can’t remember a time when I wrestled so much over a situation. My younger brother, Dave, had just died—unexpectedly and tragically. He had lived thousands of miles away, both physically and emotionally. Only in the last couple of months of his life had we begun to cautiously reconnect.

Dave’s untimely death prompted new interactions with my older brother, Ernie, who lived about a thousand miles away in the opposite direction. He called me to share the news of Dave’s passing. He said we needed to travel to New Jersey to take care of Dave’s belongings and finalize matters. I couldn’t imagine spending a few days with Ernie. We had a strained relationship at best. 

Reluctantly, I said, “Ok.” That was all I could muster at the time.

I was a knotted bundle of messy emotions. I wasn’t sure of Dave’s eternal home. I grieved losing him and struggled to accept the inevitable upcoming trip. I do not want to go. I can’t imagine doing something so painful. 

Anxiety consumed me until I spewed the burden onto my heavenly Father. 

With teary eyes and clenched fists, I confessed, “God, I don’t want to go to New Jersey.”

Tenderly, He assured me, “I haven’t asked you to go.”

What?! I thought I had to go. 

Pent-up dread erupted from deep within and evaporated. I don’t have to go. 
Now I wanted to go! I needed to go! 

Ernie and I met in New Jersey. We engaged as a team and completed our mission. Compassion for him poured from the core of my being. Supernatural strength and peace prevailed. God had transformed my fearful and hardened heart. Forgiveness flowed. Reconciliation began.

Thank you, Abba, Father, for your presence, grace, and power that you display through my frailties when I honestly cast my cares on you.

Karen Sims